the window will open or close
This summer, instead of certifying as a Somatic Sex Educator, I decided to buy a house. It was, indeed, an either/or like that. Where do I want to direct my energy and resource these coming months was my question and the answer was clear. I prayed for easeful openings and closings of the way and the way did it's great thing, spurning or welcoming me accordingly. I did not intimately touch pelvis after pelvis after pelvis. I came to know with nuance the real estate market in a city where I don't live. My body was not brought to healing orgasm by colleagues I'd just met. I learned my various credit scores and the impact of credit lines opened and closed simply because I'd wanted free airline tickets. I fell in love with a house and it's wood floors and the trees nearby it. I got confused by a home inspector with weird boundaries and reassured by a contractor who was solid and earned my trust with ease. My realtor became my friend and worked a million magics my way. My lender invited me for home cooked gourmet paleo-friendly lunch in his backyard and wanted talk to me all about ritual. A new friend muscle-tested and had yeses dancing all around the house. Two astrocartographers I paid for advisement told me no way don't invest in a home here now ever. There are 36 hours left in which the window for me to buy this particular house will open or close. The paperwork either will or won't be complete and in this moment it seems both entirely not up to me and entirely up to me. I am across the country from it, amidst a deep prayer, assisting an Ancestral Lineage Healing Practitioner training - work that is stellar and game-changing. There are a couple of Somatic Sex Educators here taking the training and there was a facilitated discussion last night about Sex, Body and the Ancestors. I went to lay down for a minute right before it and slept through the whole thing. I woke this morning writing draft texts to my realtor and lender asking into the status of our process. Something won't let me send those messages, so I am writing this instead. A part of me wants this house so much. A part of me wants to let go of this house so much. What I want most of all is to be well at home in my body, in my relationships of significance, in my work in the world, in my pleasure and my health and my dance. I am holding that prayer and trusting that the way unfolding is gorgeous beyond what I could craft. Thank you, Goddess, for bringing it. For guiding me to listen and act with grace. For unraveling my desire to control and showing me the pleasure and power in prostration. For pulsing me to presence for the greatest particular good that Life wants to weave through me - when I know what that is and when I have no clear knowing. Thank You for step by step. I feel such sweet surprise in this scavenger hunt prepared with tender and wise care by the Beloved friend. So curious how the next instruction will reveal and where She will guide me. What I choose today: singing praise and gratitude and in wonderment as I make my way from clue to clue.